Monday, 16 July 2012

Grades,boards and getting nowhere fast

Since my last post it's rained almost constantly,which does sweet fuck all for psyche levels,but on the up side,does force me to get inside and train.I love training,I like the grind and the graft of it.Since,for mind boggling reasons that I can't quite figure out.,I'm mostly a mid 7's punter outside,I spend a vast amount of time engaged in a seemingly futile and neverending Moebius loop of  wood and plastic based exercise.Don't get me wrong,I fucking hate climbing on plastic with a vehemence bordering on mania,but in these monsoon soaked conditions,what the fuck can you do? Just accept it,and get on with slipping off hold after hold of  scattergun graded volume heavy crap,it would seem... Or not,as the case may be...salvation has of late arrived in the form of renewed psyche for Wilko's board in the satanic depths of Nelson.It's a weird set-up,a 45 degree cellar board,that actually 53 degrees and in a loft.Can't really hold it against Wilko though,he's from bandit country and can barely speak coherent Queens English,so expecting any kind of accuracy re angles and location might be pushing it a bit.Regardless of this,the anklebiting mini-beast's board is actually fucking class.With the sterling assistance of  Mr Crusher Holds,Darwen's very own P-Robes,we added a plethora of new holds and set to repeating the old problems and setting new ones.I swear,pulling as hard as you can on wooden crimps on a steep board;it's like a fucking panacea for the soul.The grades make sense,too,in a kind of  harsh way (as in board 6C = real world 7A+ or so),which isn't something I can say for The Shelterstone at Trowbarrow.And thus onto the grades of the title.....  As anyone who knows me will no doubt testify,I'm basically an embittered old cunt with slight anger issues,and very little within the world of blocs provokes my ire more than grading,especially undergrading.After two recent Shelterstone sessions,I have to conclude that I've never climbed anywhere in this sceptered isle with such wildly undergraded problems.It's not just cos I'm shit,either.Other,superior climbers have voiced the same opinions.Pit Problem 7B? Shit right off. Jazz Phenomena 7A+??!! Get to fuck. Ned's problem 7B?? Are you smoking fucking crack? I don't care how many times you've done these blocs,how wired you have em...put that pipe down and give us a fucking break. Now before anyone squeals up with the usual "ooh but Lakesbloc is SUCH a great resource,and it's free,yadadada etc ad infinitum",I'm not complaining about that. Lakesbloc is fucking smart,and damn useful. But so are accurate grades.Knowing I'm strong on the board and the Crusher,it's galling to rock up and get summarily stoppered on blocs allegedly well within my range.It really does feel I'm getting nowhere,and at light speed. To vaguely justify these sourest of grapes,none other than the eternally youthful George Clooney of British climbing,Keith Sharples rolled up at Trowbarrow yesterday.After witnessing a strong,timber trained Lancastrian(naming no names,Darwen Sloth...)get spat off  The Groove,he enquired of the grade...6C+,he was told.Watching several of us gurning upside down on Ned's,he asked the grade of that.His laconically raised eyebrow spoke volumes.
In other news,I actually did do the Pit Problem,and my long quest to finish Underhand Extension is nearing completion,I dropped it three moves from the end,after completely forgetting where I was and using the worst sequence known to man.I didn't even have another good go left in me after that,it left me fully done in,and it felt absolutely great.At least I know I gave it the full beans.It'll go next time,I'm certain of that.I mean it can't be that hard,Andi E's done it for Christ's sake.He's done The Keel as well,but I'm ignoring that fact.Worldwide,now the Euros have finished,fuck all happened,apart from another grading-related incident in SA,where globetrotting Viking pillager Nalle Hukkataival dicked all over emaciated food-dodger Paul Robinson's A Simple Knowing 8C in half an hour,suggesting 8B.Now that's one downgrade I'm not gonna piss and moan about-fucking go on my son!! Put that in your white middle class faux-ghetto pipe and smoke it.Anyway,it's Monday,which is core work day,so I'm out of here like I stole something...yeah,I'm that gangsta.Catch you soon,people.Have fun,and train hard.


  1. I thought funk phenomena was 7a these days and pit problem stand gets 6c+ on ukc logbooks? Haha ;)

    1. You should do free internet topos with grades like that...oh hang on.Someone already does.Seriously though,I'd definitely like to see Scouse bouldering guides,in full dialect,with extra grades for ascents rocking smart Adidas gear.